Christian-Hell School of Eeville

by Laska Hook and Lisa Jackson

    There was once a high school called Christian-Hell. It was named after Mrs. Lucifer Hell back in 1666. This all took place in the small town of Eeville, which was obviously down the road from Effville.

     Lucifer Hell had been born with a Siamese twin that would have been called Gabriel had he not died at birth. There was an emergency operation to separate Lucifer from his brother before he too died. The operation was a surprising success for its time; the only drawback being that, since Lucifer had been connected to Gabriel by the right side of his face and chest he had come out of the surgery with the right half of his face missing and no right arm. Lucifer healed as best he could by the age of eighteen months. The left side of his face looked perfectly normal but the right side was flat, with no eye and no discernible bone structure.

    Lucifer’s parents were of the upper class. They were quite wealthy and regarded Lucifer as a freak and an embarrassment. So they told everyone that they had only had one child, Gabriel, and that he had been stillborn. They kept Lucifer locked in the old shed on the edge of their property and had their slaves feed him regularly to keep him quiet.

    Living in the darkness of the shed, Lucifer took to eating rats and bugs and an other unfortunate creatures who happened to cross his path. Hidden from the sun, Lucifer’s skin remained as pale as the rear end of a life-long nun.

    The slaves liked to go out to the shed in their spare time and taunt Lucifer and prod him with sticks to vent their hostility towards his father who mistreated them regularly. Miserable with his nightmarish life, at the age of sixteen Lucifer began banging on the walls of the shed as hard as he could to be let out. Out of fear that he’d be discovered, his parents did the only thing they could think of: they had him sent to a nearby science lab owned by a man called Dr. Charles Christian. Lucifer was greatly relieved to get away from his parents’ estate, even though he did have to spend most of his time in a cage in Dr. Christian’s lab.

    Charles had a daughter three years younger than Lucifer. Her name was Evangeline. By the age of thirteen, Evangeline was already a startling figure. She was six-foot-two and had seven foot long scarlet red hair that she kept wound around the top of her head and secured with the rib cage of a tiger. She had a long neck and a very large head.

    Charles’ main focus in his experiments and studies was human physical aberration, mostly in children. He had taken an interest in this field because of his own daughter’s odd appearance. Of all of his subjects, Lucifer was his favorite. He was the smartest of the bunch and also the most cooperative.

    Lucifer stayed with Dr. Christian for nearly ten years. Evangeline became a school teacher and taught Lucifer how to read and write. Evangeline grew quite fond of Lucifer and on Lucifer’s twenty-sixth birthday, they were wed.

    Things went quite well for the next two years. Evangeline had twins, a boy called Damien and a girl called Sage. From birth, the two children seemed completely out of touch with reality. They would sit side by side and stare into space, hardly ever speaking. Odd as it may have been, Lucifer and Evangeline loved their children and were very proud of them.

    At that time, Dr. Christian had been devoting much of his time to a subject called Odin the Octopus boy, an eight-armed twelve-year-old that Dr. Christian had rescued from a circus side-show two years previously. Odin was quite attached to Dr. Christian and looked at him as a father figure. He had usually had Dr. Christian’s undivided attention but since the twins had been born the doctor had been spending most all of his time with them. Odin, unable to divert Dr. Christian’s attention away from Damien and Sage, acted out of spite and revenge. He broke out of his cage one night, set fire to the lab and kidnapped the twins; escaping in Dr. Christian’s horse-drawn carriage. The doctor was asleep on the couch in the lab and perished in the fire.

    Lucifer and Evangeline were deeply scarred by the loss of Dr. Christian and their children and dealt with it by getting into the witch-hunting business which they chose specifically for its dehumanizing quality. They would hold ritual burnings of ‘witches’ on their property and soon came to be known by the public as important moral figures.

    Some two years later, Odin came riding up in his carriage, unaware of where he was. He had been of the belief that the world was flat and was searching for the end to throw the twins off. In doing so, he had mistakenly driven the carriage in a wide circle and arrived at his starting point. He stopped at Lucifer’s house to spend the night. He was shown to a room by the slaves. The kids were given a separate room. When Evangeline saw her children she recognized them right away and knew what she had to do. As Odin slept, she crept into his room and bludgeoned him to death with a sewing machine and buried him out behind their tool shed.

    Lucifer and Evangeline were overjoyed at having their children back and decided to resume their ‘normal’ lives by stopping the witch hunts. Their happiness was to be short-lived however. The winter of 1665 Evangeline and the twins fell ill with rabies. Fearing for his own life, Lucifer wrote up his will stating that a school should be built on his property and named after his wife in her honor. February of 1666, Evangeline and the twins died. Lucifer survived, but the loss of his family was more than he could bear. The anger that burned inside of him proved fatal one day. As he was standing in the attic looking through one of Evangeline’s old cookbooks he spontaneously combusted. The book fell to the floor, unharmed, amidst a pile of ashes.

    Shortly after a school was built near his large house and called Christian-Hell after its patroness. However, many of the restless, angry souls remained in the house. Amongst them were Lucifer, Evangeline and Odin.

Present day...

    Wally Weinwank and his two spider-monkey-like friends Dwayne Megabyte and Simon Eyesore were seated at their usual places in the computer lab and were working out complex calculus equations. They had actually finished their assignments earlier and were now just having a bit of fun.

    "So, did you attend the math seminar?" Wally asked.

    "No." Simon answered. "I had a meeting with my trigonometry support group that day."

    Then Dwayne, the mischievous one of the bunch, spoke up. "Guess what? Yesterday after school I broke into the science lab!"

    "Ooh! What did you do?" Simon asked excitedly.

    "I got into the cupboards and read all the science textbooks."

    The three of them giggled wickedly.

    "Dwayne you are a naughty boy." Wally cackled.

    "Guess what?" Simon said. "Doogie Bowels is having a big party this Sunday afternoon that will be chaperoned by his grandparents. Everyone’s to come dressed as their favorite philosopher. There’ll be chips, low-fat dip, mineral water, Chopin and Mozart!"

    "Sounds exciting!" Dwayne grinned.

    "And get this, if we’re lucky his grandparents will let us watch the Discovery Channel’s special about the mating rituals of walruses."

    "Wow, that’s intense." Wally said, wide-eyed.

    "Yeah, I’ll be there." Dwayne nodded.

    "Hey, you three!" Mr. Waspman interrupted. "Stop your chattering and get back to work."

    "Yes sir." the three answered.

3:37 p.m.> The Teacher’s Lounge...

    A meeting was being held to discuss what to do with the students who lived out of town and had to drive further to get to school everyday. Christian-Hell was the only decent school in the area. There was only one other high school nearby, El Culito High which was expressly for kids who had just gotten out of prison. All the teachers were present to discuss this dilemma: Aggy Splatter, the art teacher who had frizzy, rainbow-colored hair; Ned Blobbenberry, the four hundred math teacher; Enid Hatchet, the ninety-year-old English teacher; Buffy Cruster, the science/history teacher; Raoul Pimpsterman, the P.E. teacher who was seven feet tall and built like a coat rack; Mary Jane Bongstem, the drug counselor; Elmer Swilldrill, the home economics/shop teacher; Sofa Oinkenstein, the pig-latin teacher (whose name was originally supposed to be Sofia but, due to a spelling error on her birth certificate that went uncorrected, she remained ‘Sofa’); Kermit Waspman, the computer teacher; and their effeminate principal, Ralph Flembuger and the equally girlish vice principal Jack Twisty.

    "So," began Mr. Flemburger. "we have some kids who are having trouble getting here because they live so far away."

    "So?" Ms. Splatter choked through of a haze of cheap cigarette smoke.

    "So we have to find some way of getting the kids closer to the school." Mr. Flemburger stated.

    "And how do you propose we do that?" Mr. Blobbenberry asked, wiping away a thick glob of tangerine cream from his nose that had squirted out of the two-week-old donut he was eating.

    "Well," Mr. Twisty interceded. "We tried buses once but there were too many fatalities due to drunk driving."

    "How many kids have this problem anyway?" Mrs. Oinkenstein inquired.

    "Five." Mr. Flemburger answered.

    "Five!?" Mrs. Hatchet blurted in her harsh, Mercedes McCambridge-like voice. "Why bother with only five?"

    "Because they’re all very important." Mr. Flemburger explained. "First off, there’s Chet Jockerman who happens to be the captain of the football team. Then there’s Wallace Wienwank, the smartest kid in school. Remember the time the school’s computer system went haywire? Wally was the only one who could fix it. And there’s Samme Graves, you know, that hermaphrodite kid. Samme’s one of our best students. Another student we need to help is Veronica Daze, the head cheerleader. And then, of course, there’s Rudyard Ogrebag who’s a known drug addict and needs our help. That task I’ve delegated to Ms. Bongstem."

    "Well, we could always move them onto school grounds." Mrs. Hatchet suggested.

    "Where would we put them?" Mr. Twisty asked.

    "Well, there’s always the Hell House. That was made into a boarding house in the sixties." Mrs. Hatchet said.

    "The Hell House!?" Twisty and Flemburger chirped in unison.

    "Sure, why not?" Mrs. Hatchet said. "We could have the place fixed up and move them all in before next quarter."

    "But the house’s history..." Mr. Twisty began.

    "I know, I know." Mrs. Hatchet nodded. "Twenty-some years ago they tried this with the football team and all the players mysteriously died."

    "These kids all live out in Zeeville which is quite far away and it takes them nearly an hour and a half to get here on time." Mr. Flemburger said.

    "Besides," Mr. Twisty added. "The best reason to help them is Samme Graves. Samme’s father works for the government and the government is willing to fund the renovations to the Hell House to further Samme’s education."

    "How do you know all this?" Mr. Flemburger asked.

    "I called them this morning." Mr. Twisty answered.

    "How many times have I told you not to do things without asking my permission first?" Mr. Flemburger flashed him a sardonic smile that said ‘you've been a bad boy and tonight I’m gonna break out the chain whips’.

    "Sorry hon...I mean sir." Mr. Twisty giggled.

    "What’s more," Mr. Pimpsterman added. "if we don’t the funding for the Hell House we won’t get the extra money we need to fund the building of the new gymnasium."

    "Yeah, let’s go for it." Mr. Flemburger thumped his hands on the table enthusiastically.

    Mrs. Oinkenstein was so caught up in the discussion that she didn’t notice Mr. Twisty slide her Vogue magazine away from her so that he could steal the perfume samples.

Three Months Later...

    The renovations to the Hell House were completed and the five occupants moved in. Each bringing a pet. Samme, a tall curly-haired brunette who only wore jeans and T-shirts and could have easily been male or female judging by appearance, had a tarantula called Mel. Chet, a large hairy fellow with a crewcut and a protrusive forehead, had his pet pitbull that he called Moose. Veronica, a blonde who was 5'8 and weighed seventy pounds, brought her pet canary, Tweety. Wally, a rather wiry little fellow with short mousy hair and horn-rimmed specs that made his eyes look like fried eggs, brought his two frogs, Fred and Wilma. Rudy, a knobby kid who always wore black and usually kept his face hidden behind a veil of long, stringy green hair, brought his pet iguana, Stumpy. Stumpy’s name was derived from the fact that he had no hind legs. Rudy had found him in a dumpster outside of an animal research lab and had taken him home, replenishing the half-dead lizard by feeding him a steady diet of jalapeno peppers and speed. While jumped-up on drugs, Stumpy could move very quickly about by paddling his front (and only) arms. He also liked to sleep on his back with his arms sticking up in the air. This, on many occasions, had led Rudy to believe that Stumpy was dead and he would try to flush Stumpy down the toilet. Fortunately for Stumpy the cold water revived him every time.

    Samme was given the attic room. Chet and Veronica got the two rooms on the second floor. The two rooms on the first floor were given to Wally and Rudy. Ms. Bongstem moved into the basement room so that she’d be there for Rudy.

    It was made clear from the beginning that this lot was not going to get along. In fact, on the second day of their stay in the Hell House a few of them decided to do something cruel to someone else. Wally was angry with Chet and Veronica because they often teased him and Chet had pantsed in the lunchroom him on a few occasions. So that night whilst they were seated at the large table in the kitchen having their supper which consisted of liver and strawberries, Wally excused himself to go to the bathroom and instead snuck into Chet’s room then Veronica’s; switching his steroids with her birth control pills. This done, he resumed his seat at the dinner table and acted innocent.

    Chet, who did not know if Samme was a boy or girl, was determined to find out Samme’s gender so he would often watch through the keyhole in Samme’s door in an attempt to catch Samme changing clothes. So far all attempts had failed. Chet found that not knowing to be a big turn-on and as a result he developed a crush on Samme. However, unbeknownst to him, Veronica also had a crush on Samme. Behind Chet’s back she went out and purchased a bottle of cologne for Samme calling it a friendship gift. Samme reluctantly took it but had no intention of wearing it. Instead, as soon as Veronica left, Samme gave it to Rudy who was desperately in need of some form of deodorant. Rudy took it with a smile and a "Thanks, man!", popped the cork and drank the contents of the bottle in one gulp.

    "Well," Samme thought. "at least he’ll have nice breath for a while."

    As the weeks progressed the faculty lost its worries and suspicions about the Hell House being haunted. But one night, on October 13th, something happened. It was nighttime and everyone was sitting around in the living room watching TV when smoke wafted down the stairs from Samme’s attic room. Everyone ran up the stairs to see if there was a fire and found that there wasn’t. All they found when they switched the light on was a pile of ashes with a cookbook lying in the middle of it. Almost as soon as they saw it, the image vanished and the smoke dissipated.

    "That was odd." Wally said indifferently as he strolled away.

    "Uh oh." Ms. Bongstem whispered.

    Veronica sat amongst the cheerleaders listening to their gossip. Chet’s steroids that she had been unwittingly taking were having a rather dramatic effect on her system. She was the only one in the group who wasn’t sitting with her legs crossed. Instead she was leaning forward, her elbows on her wide-spread, hairy legs to support her insubstantial weight. Tuning out her friends she focused on how unaggressive cheerleading was and how she’d prefer to play football.

    Chet couldn’t resist entering Veronica’s room while she wasn’t there and going through her make-up case. The birth-control pills he was unwittingly taking were altering his system as well. He took one of her bras (which he was beginning to need) and then browsed through her nail polish until he found a gaudy pink shade he thought would look ‘fabulous’ on him. He pocketed it and headed back to his bedroom to paint his crusty toenails with it. No one ever saw his feet so he knew his secret would be safe.

    Wally returned from the physics lab to his room where he had to shoo Rudy away from his frogs. It was the fifth time since they have moved into the Hell House that he had caught Rudy with Fred in his mouth. Rudy was under the impression that if he licked the frogs he’d get high.  Every time Wally ushered him out of his room, Rudy would go outside and find slugs to lick instead. Wally put his backpack away and peered into the living room where he saw Veronica seated on the couch reading a wrestler magazine while Chet cried over All My Children. Wally smiled devilishly. His plan was working perfectly.

    Samme was seated at the desk in the attic room with Mel the tarantula seated on Samme’s shoulder. Samme was reading the assigned book The Grapes of Wrath for English class. After that Samme had to read A Raisin in the Sun. "Jeez," Samme muttered. "just reading about all these grapes and raisins is gonna give me diarrhea." Samme heard an odd sound by the door and turned to see a deformed man standing in the doorway. "Who are you?" Samme asked, rather scared. The deformed man vanished. Samme ran downstairs and shouted, "There’s a ghost in my room!"

    "So?" Veronica shrugged.

    "Shh!" Chet hissed. "Can’t you see there’s a break-up going on!?" he gestured at the soap opera on TV.

    Samme walked into the kitchen and found Rudy seated at the table sniffing colored permanent markers. The rims of his nostrils were smeared with pink, black and green. Stumpy was on the table next to him eating canned jalapeno peppers and belching.

    "Hmm," Rudy said to Stumpy in his quavering voice that would constantly shoot from soprano to baritone due to the rush of hormones in his body.. "I like the green ones best. They’re sassy yet not too overbearing."

    Samme sat down across from Rudy. "Rudy, there’s a spirit in my room."

    "Yeah, I got spirits in my room too." Rudy said, jamming another green marker up his nose.

    "Really!?"

    "Sure. I got vodka, whiskey, tequila... oh wait, Stumpy drank all my tequila."

    On hearing his name, Stumpy belched defensively.

    "That’s not what I mean. I saw a ghost!"

    "Oh yeah? Whose?"

    "I dunno. Some guy missing his left arm and half of his face."

    "Whoa, sounds like my dad."

    "No no... it wasn’t." Samme sighed. There was no getting through to Rudy.

    "Here, man." Rudy said, holding out a marker to Samme. "Take a whiff a dis, it’d clear yer head."

    "No thanks. Never mind." Samme got up to leave.

    "Yuck! You have fleas!" Rudy shouted on sight of Mel.

    "What?"

    "There’s one big one on your shoulder!"

    "That’s not a flea, that’s a tarantula."

    "Jeez... I’ve heard of people being infested with lice and fleas but never tarantulas."

    "Bye Rudy."

    "Wait!" Rudy called after Samme. "Can you get high off lickin’ ‘em?"

    Samme did not answer but secretly hoped he’d try it some time.

    The next day Wally sat in the computer lab messing around with the school’s private files that no one was supposed to see. They had a security code on them but it was only a minor challenge for Wally. He opened the student files and looked through them. They contained lists of every student who had attended the school since 1930. In one section in the 1970’s there was a large list highlighted and labeled ‘deceased’. This struck Wally as being rather odd. He struck a few more keys and accessed the information. In the year 1972, thirty kids who were all members of the football team or cheerleading squad were staying in the Hell House during football season. They all died mysterious deaths on Halloween night. No other information was given. How had they died? After searching for quite a long while he found a file entitled ‘Christian-Hell High School History’. This he opened and read. The story of the founders and the construction was there but no details on the deaths. Wally tried to decide whether or not to tell the others. In the end he felt he had to, just to ensure that whatever had happened over twenty years ago to those unfortunate students wouldn’t happen again to them.

    He found Samme in the lunchroom and explained what he had found out. The two of them decided to go through the principal’s files in his office and see what else they could find. As they searched Mr. Flemburger’s file cabinets and desk drawers Samme came across a file full of newspaper clippings and various copies of death certificates all signed by the local coroner.

    As they read through them they found that two guys died from having their arms severed; another guy was found with the severed arms sewn to his body; his head had been cut off and a football was wedged in its place. Another was found with with the right half of his face sheared off by a cheese grater and his right arm ripped off and his heart torn out. Several cheerleaders died of rabies after having been bitten by their mascot. One cheerleader, the one with the largest head, was found with her rib cage removed and placed over her head. Two footballers spontaneously combusted. Another was punctured to death by his cleats.

    "You’re right, Wally, this is really weird." Samme said.

    Just then they heard voices outside the door. Samme flipped off the light and the two of them hid under Flemburger’s massive desk.

    A moment later Mr. Twisty and Mr. Flemburger entered, leaving the lights off. "We’ve got twenty more minutes." Flemburger stated. "Do you wanna be the bull or the farmer's daughter?"

    "No no," Twisty tittered. "I’ll be the hairdresser and you be the dominatrix."

    Samme stifled a giggle while Wally tried to keep from throwing up. Just then there was a knock at the door.

    "Uh oh." Flemburger said, switching on the light. "Look innocent." He opened the door to find Mr. Pimpsterman standing outside.

    "Uh hi," Pimpsterman began. "I came to tell you that Veronica’s gotten into a fight."

    "Those darn cheerleaders, always catfighting." Twisty said, rolling his eyes.

    "No, you don’t understand," Pimpsterman went on. "Veronica beat the crap out of one of the football players for calling      Chet a pansy. Chet’s outside your office right now crying."

    "Well, we’d better go." Flemburger sighed.

    Samme and Wally breathed a sigh of relief as they left.

    "Now I know I’m gonna have nightmares." Wally shuddered as they crawled out from under the desk.

    "Shut up and grab those files." Samme ordered.

    Wally and Samme ran back to their rooms in the Hell House not bothering to go to their fifth period classes.

    "We’ve gotta do something!" Wally yiped.

    "Like what?"

    "First off we should get outta here!"

    "Yeah, I guess so."

    Wally raced to his room and grabbed his suitcase but before he could open it Evangeline’s spirit jumped into him. Now she could deal with Odin. She had tried once before in the early 70’s but their battle had ended sloppily and no one had won. This time she knew what to do... at least she thought she did.

    Wally (Evangeline) slowly walked back to Samme’s room where Samme was packing. "What are you doing?"

    "Packing to go." Samme answered.

    "Actually, I don’t think we should go. I changed my mind."

    "Why?"

    "I can’t really explain it... but I think that leaving would be a big mistake."

    Samme considered it. Wally was the smartest kid in school, he must know what he’s talking about.

    Chet and Rudy sat in Bongstem’s office.

    "So, Chet," she began, watching him fidget with a dandelion that he had picked from the yard. "I’ve noticed some extreme changes in your behavior. Have you stopped taking the steroids?"

    "No. I still take them... only now I’ve learned to get in touch with my feminine side." Chet adjusted his bra strap and smiled a kittenlike smile.

    "I see." Bongstem nodded, then turned her attention to Rudy. "How’ve you been?"

    "Huh?" Rudy asked, trying to focus his eyes through the tangled strands of his long stringy hair.

    "How’ve you been, Rudy?"

    "Wasted."

    "No change there, eh?"

    "Huh?"

    Chet picked at his fingernails which had recently been buffed over and were shiny as glass. He grimaced and said to himself; "Oh dear, I’m due for another manicure."

    "Well, as I’m sure you two know, we’ve decided to throw a Halloween party at the Hell House. Rudy, what are you going to be for our Halloween party?" Bongstem asked.

    "Be?"

    "Yeah. What are you going to dress up as?"

    "Uh... I dunno. I’ve got some loafers that my grandma gave me for Christmas."

    "Okay. What about you, Chet?" she asked.

    "I haven’t decided yet." Chet answered. "Oh, did you know that I changed my doggie’s name?"

    "No. What’d you change it to?"

    "Mousse."

    "I thought his name was already Moose."

    "No, you see I changed the spelling. It’s not M-O-O-S-E anymore. Now it’s M-O-U-S-S-E."

    "Oh I see."

    As soon as their session ended Rudy and Chet went back to their classes. Bongstem returned to her room in the basement of the Hell House. As she was laying her costume out, Odin’s spirit entered her. Now that he had a body in his control he could resume his battle with Evangeline. He knew that she was possessing Wally. Tonight was the night.... October 31st, the day of the Halloween party.

Everyone had their costumes selected and had dressed...

Samme was going as the Saturday Night Live character "Pat".

Chet was going as Cher.

Veronica was going as Rambo.

Rudy was going as ‘Toilet Man’. This costume consisted of a toilet plunger hat and seven rolls of toilet paper wound around his body.

No one knew it, but Bongstem was going as Odin and Wally was going as Evangeline. Bongstem (Odin) claimed her costume to be ‘octopus woman’ and Wally (Evangeline) claimed his costume to be a 'new wave Vogue model'.

One hour before the party Wally and Bongstem happened to bump into each other in the hallway.

    "I’m gonna get you tonight, Odin." Wally said.

    "Not if I get you first." Bongstem spat.

    In the hours before the party everyone began decorating the house. Veronica hung paper skeletons in the living room, putting them in obscene positions that mostly entailed them putting their hands in unsightly places on themselves or each other. Rudy took the task of blowing up the orange and black balloons because he loved the light-headed sensation it gave him. Samme went about arranging the hors d’oeuvres despite the frightening premonitions Samme was experiencing.

    Wally and Bongstem spent time in their rooms planning their strategies of attack.

    Everyone had invited a friend or two to the party. Samme invited another hermaphrodite by the name of D.C. Paul invited Dwayne and Simon. Veronica invited her two best friends from the cheerleading squad; Becky Facile and Amanda Stupor.   Amanda was recently recovering from a broken fingernail but felt well enough to come to the party. Chet invited two guys off the football team; Dick Needle and Bud Wiezer. Rudy invited his dealer, Tommy Kilo and his partner in snorting, Eddie Zigzag. Bongstem invited the faculty.

    Finally the clock struck seven p.m.. Time for the party. The guests began arriving.

Becky Facile and Amanda Stupor came as Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake.

Dick Needle and Bud Wiezer came as the black and red Power Rangers.

Dwayne Megabyte and Simon Eyesore came as Spock and Data.

Tommy Kilo and Eddie Zigzag came as Hitler and Nancy Reagan.

Samme’s date, D.C. came as Boy George.

    As for the faculty...

Aggy Splatter came as Elvira.

Ned Blobbenberry came as Rush Limbaugh.

Raoul Pimpsterman came as Howard Stern and as a result he and Ned argued most of the night.

90-year-old Enid Hatchet came as Heather Locklear.

Buffy Cruster came as Lizzie Borden.

Elmer Swilldrill came as Elmer Fudd.

Sofa Oinkenstein came as a frog and had to run away from Rudy who repeatedly tried to shove her in his mouth.

Kermit Waspman came as Captain Kirk; which greatly impressed Dwayne and Simon.

Jack Twisty came as Sandra Bernhard.

Ralph Flemburger came as Madonna.

    The first activity on the agenda was bobbing for apples. What the participants didn’t know was that ‘Toilet Man’ had thrown his lucky ball of earwax into the apple barrel and this was not discovered until ‘Spock’ came up with a squishy orange blob in his mouth. Everyone, especially ‘Spock’, was thoroughly disgusted; although ‘Toilet Man’ rolled on the floor in peals of laughter. So the apple-bob was terminated.

    Next up was going into the "Dark, Scary Room". Set up on a large table were several bowls containing cold, soggy, squishy things; like wet noodles, raw meat and grapes. ‘Pat’ stood in the doorway with a flashlight reading off of a list that ‘Toilet Man’ had written up. "Dead man’s brains." ‘Pat’ recited as people blindly stuck their hands into the noodles. A collective "Eeeew!" resounded. "Dead man’s eyeballs..." ‘Pat’ continued. "Dead man’s skin... dead man’s feces... wait, what?" ‘Pat’ squinted and looked at the list closer. Yep, it had been read correctly, ‘dead man’s feces’.

    "Yuck!" ‘Cher’ squawked. "It smells like it too."

    ‘Pat’ switched on the light to reveal several people standing there with their hands buried in a large bowl of excrement.

    "AAAHHH!!!" ‘Cher’ screeched, flitting away to wash his hands. Everyone else followed suit. ‘Toilet Man’ crawled out from under the table, giggling.

    "Rudy, you didn’t, did you?" ‘Pat’ gestured at the bowl.

    "Oh it’s not mine. It’s from dogs." ‘Toilet Man’ said. "I collected it all out of the yards of the nearby neighbors, added water and mixed it all together."  'Toilet Man' laughed honkingly and strolled away.  Samme thought of how much Rudy's laugh resembled that of the Disney character Goofy.

    Odin had set up a trap for Evangeline outside in the tool shed but many of the teachers thought it was a ‘haunted house’ that had been set up as part of the party and went inside. Once ‘Rush Limbaugh’, ‘Captain Kirk’, ‘Heather Locklear’, ‘Elmer Fudd’ and ‘the Frog’ walked in, the door slammed shut behind them and refused to open.

    "What now?" ‘Rush’ complained. "I’m not scared."

    "Shut up, Limburger." ‘Kirk’ responded.

    "I’m not scared either." ‘Heather’ added.

    "Well that’s good. What with your ninety-year-old ticker and all." ‘Elmer’ chuckled.

    "I can’t see a frigging thing!" ‘Frog’ said.

    Just then a legion of bear traps went off. Everyone screamed as the iron jaws slammed shut over both of their feet.

    "This sucks!" ‘Elmer’ screeched.

    "Whoever’s responsible for this will be expelled!" ‘Rush’ shouted.

    They all staggered towards where they thought the door was and ended up falling down an eight-foot-deep pit and were engulfed by a swarm of large, flesh-eating, red ants. No one could hear their piteous screams as they were devoured alive.

    Lucifer decided to have a little fun. He found ‘Madonna’ and ‘Sandra’ outside, seated on their moped, making out.

    "We should really go back inside, we’re missing Spin the Bottle." ‘Madonna’ said.  Just then the moped started up and sped off down the road with both of them clinging to the seat and screaming.

    "Oh dear!" ‘Sandra’ screeched as the moped went over a cliff. Striking head first on the boulders that protruded from the ocean below, they splattered like watermelons.

    ‘Rainbow Brite’, ‘Strawberry Shortcake’, ‘Howard Stern’, ‘Spock’, ‘Data’ and ‘Lizzie Borden’ played Spin the Bottle in the living room. They had all consumed way too much punch and were now quite screwed-up. The first spin found ‘Rainbow’ kissing ‘Spock’; the next found ‘Lizzie’ kissing ‘Howard’; then ‘Spock’ kissing ‘Data’; then ‘Howard’ kissing himself. After they finished with Spin the Bottle they decided to play Truth or Dare. ‘Data’ went first and chose Dare. The others ordered him to run outside in his underwear. They followed him as he ran to the door, undressed, then ran outside. Cackling maniacally, the others locked him out and then went to the kitchen to get some hors d’oeuvres.

    Once he was quite far from the Hell House, ‘Data’ stopped running and looked around. Even his cotton Care Bear underwear was not enough to keep the cold gusts of wind from chilling his spindly little body. He was about to head back to the house when he heard a strange buzzing sound, very much like a moped’s engine, somewhere nearby.  In the darkness he couldn’t see the moped fly back up over the cliff and start up the road towards him. He turned just in time to see the singular headlight come on when the moped was two inches from grazing his butt. He turned and ran in horror from the ghost driven moped. He ran towards the shed but wasn’t fast enough. Right before he reached the shed door the moped jumped him. Knocking him to the ground it pressed its front wheel against the back of his head, tearing his scalp loose and pressing his face deep into the dirt. If the motor’s buzzing hadn’t been so loud he would’ve heard the munching of millions of insects as they devoured the teachers inside the shed.

    Being drunk, the others forgot all about ‘Data’ and danced around in the kitchen like idiots. ‘Strawberry’ opened the refrigerator door and found a large red and black box with the words ‘Open with Caution... Hors D’oeuvres From Hell’ printed on it. Not taking this seriously, she set the box on the counter and opened it. The inside of the box was separated into four sections. The section in the upper left hand corner had a label in it that said ‘chocolate-covered lady fingers’. She immediately noticed how much they resembled real, human fingers. The section in the upper right hand corner was called ‘angel hair pasta’ which appeared to be nothing more than white hairballs. In the bottom left section were ‘beef eyes a la Ritz’ which were basically cow eyeballs on Ritz crackers. The last section had a bunch of enormous ‘tarantula cookies’. The others came over to the box, selected an hors d’oeuvre and began eating.  ‘Pat’ came wandering in to get a Pepsi for ‘Boy George’.

    "What’cha doin’?" 'Pat' asked.   ‘Spock’ lifted the lid and showed 'Pat' the label.  "I don’t remember those and I’m the one who arranged the hors d’oeuvres." 'Pat' commented.

    "May be someone else brought ‘em." ‘Howard’ suggested.

    'Pat' shrugged and walked away.

    ‘Howard’ bit into a ladyfinger and commented on how crunchy it was and how odd it tasted. ‘Strawberry’ and ‘Rainbow’ both gagged as they chewed the hairballs and started coughing and hacking. ‘Lizzy’ bit down on an eyeball cracker which squirted the others with a thick, yellowish fluid. "Hmm... tastes like caviar." she stated. ‘Spock’ lifted the tarantula cookie to his face and yiped with surprise as a real tarantula broke out of the cookie dough and bit onto his nose. The poison was fast-acting and ‘Spock’ died right away. The eyes on the Ritz crackers rolled around to stare at the remaining four people and evil laughter was heard coming from the hairballs. Inside the girls’ throats, the hairballs that they were choking on grew as they coughed. Soggy hairballs started coming out of their mouths and noses and wrapped themselves around the girls' bodies. The two girls died cocooned in soggy, white hairballs. ‘Howard’ giggled helplessly as the lady fingers he had eaten tickled his throat from the inside. The laughing ceased, however, when two large fingers poked out of his nose, hooked themselves under his chin and clamped his mouth shut. Unable to breathe out of either his nose or mouth he suffocated. ‘Lizzy’ stared at the scene before her in shock, unable to move even when the lid of the hors d’oeuvres box began flapping like a singular wing. The box flew up off the counter and closed itself over her head. She shrieked in pain and horror as the tarantula cookies bit her to death.

    ‘Hitler’, ‘Toilet Man’ and ‘Nancy Reagan’ sat around in ‘Toilet Man's’ room passing around his scented markers and playing old Elvis records backwards in search of subliminal messages. ‘Hitler’ heard an odd sound behind him and turned around to see ‘Toilet Man's’ bong sneaking up on him. "What the hell?" was all he managed before the bong’s hose wrapped itself around his neck and choked him to death.

    "The bong gives me an idea..."  'Toilet Man' began.   "I heard of this magic trick once that can make you look invisible."

    "How?"

    "Well... hmm... I think what you do is fill a bag with gas fumes and put it over your head and light part of it on fire.  I think I saw it on the eleven o'clock news.  Some little kids did it and now they can't find them" 

    "Lighting your head on fire makes you invisible?"  'Nancy' was dubious.

    "It's supposed to... I think. Something like that."    

    "Let’s do it!" ‘Nancy’ jumped up and ran for the kitchen. ‘Toilet Man’ dug around in the clutter until he found a Hefty steel sack and an empty potato chip bag. He gave the Hefty sack to ‘Nancy’ and kept the chip bag for himself because his head was just small enough to easily fit inside of it. They snuck into the kitchen, tripping over the corpses of the hors d’oeuvres victims but were too out of it to know what they were. ‘Toilet Man’ undid the gas pipe to the stove and filled his chip bag with fumes. ‘Nancy’ did the same. They snuck back into ‘Toilet Man's’ room, shut the door and placed the bags over their heads. "This smells weird." ‘Nancy’ said. "Like when my dad lights his farts.  This better work, Rudy." They took their zippos out and lit the corners of the bags on fire. All over the house the explosion could be heard. People looked around, puzzled, but didn’t really worry about it. ‘Toilet Man’ and ‘Nancy Reagan's’ heads exploded off their bodies and burst through the ceiling out into the night sky where they flew through the air until they landed in a local drive-in.

    Two people who were watching a 3-D horror movie and happened to have the sun roof open got quite a surprise when ‘Nancy's’ head fell in through the sun roof and landed between them. "Whoa," the guy said. "I can't believe these special effects! They even smell real."

    ‘Toilet Man's’ head went further, faster because it was smaller. It burst into the snack bar through the ceiling and landed in the bottom of a large popcorn tub. The kid working the counter didn’t see it and dumped popcorn on it and handed it to an old lady. As she walked back out to her car she reached into the tub and pulled Rudy’s head out by the nose. Too shocked to scream she simply dropped dead of a heart attack.